Cupid's Arrow
by Miles333
Summary: The Doctor sets the TARDIS controls on random, and he and Donna find themselves on Gelenium, also known as the planet of love. What happens when an overly-friendly local decides that the two travelers would make a perfect couple, despite Donna’s protests?


**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Doctor Who_. As this extremely disappoints me, let's not dwell on it anymore, 'kay?

**A/N:** Hi, everyone. Happy Valentine's Day! :D And just so you know, **this isn't a TenDonna fic**, except for friendship and a...mistake. *looks mysterious* Enjoy, and don't forget to review after reading!

**Summary:** The Doctor sets the TARDIS controls on random, and he and Donna find themselves on Gelenium, also known as the planet of love. What happens when an overly-friendly local decides that the two travelers would make a perfect couple, despite Donna's protests?

**Timeline:** Takes place between _The Doctor's Daughter_ and _The Unicorn and the Wasp_.

**Spoilers:** _Partners in Crime_, _The Doctor's Daughter_.

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"Okay. Here we are, then." The Doctor pulled a final lever, and whacked the control console of the TARDIS twice with a rubber mallet. Then, as the steady sound of the engines died down with a solid thump, he turned to his current companion. Donna sat on one of the plastic seats beside the console, legs crossed. "You ready? Donna?" The Doctor was puzzled at the strange expression on her face as she stood up.

"I wanted to ask…if you're doing okay. After, you know, _Jenny_," Donna said bluntly. She knew that the loss of his generated anomaly daughter had been hard on him, watching her die in his arms. And yet, as was usual, the Doctor acted as though nothing was wrong. As if the worst thing he had done lately was save a planet in harm's way.

"Oh yes, course I am," was the Doctor's nonchalant reply. "Never better. Molto bene. Now, you ready to go?" As he had been speaking, the Doctor had walked over to the railing and picked up his coat, pulling it on. Now he stood patiently by the wooden doors leading out into whatever new adventure was waiting for them.

Donna shrugged, trying to banish her concern. If he wanted to play the dark and mysterious Spaceman, hiding his sadness from everyone around him, then so be it. "Well, then. What's out there?" she asked, concealing most of the anticipation she could feel brewing inside as she walked over to join the Time Lord.

The Doctor grinned boyishly. "No idea. Set the TARDIS controls to random. Could be anything. Could be Terevshia Five, could be London, could be an Elvis Presley concert. But it's more fun this way, don't you think?"

Donna couldn't help smiling; his excitement was very contagious. "I'll do it," she said, pushing past him. "Oi, move it, Spaceman." She saw him grin from the corner of her eye, then focused on carefully placing her hand on the door. Taking a deep breath, she pushed at it, turning the knob with her other hand. The door swung open with that familiar creaking noise, and she stepped out.

Right into utter chaos.

Streamers of red and pink dangled everywhere, from the towering white buildings, to the horse-like creatures trotting past, to the withered pink trees. Gold and silver confetti rained endlessly from the sky, while pink-skinned humanoids wearing hardly anything walked past holding rose-shaped umbrellas. What might have been dozens of different songs played all at once from around the entire settlement, drowning out all other sounds besides that of an enormous bell tolling. Delicious smells flooded the air, and a cloud of pink smoke was coming from behind a building. Red arrows with feathered ends occasionally shot through the air, sometimes hitting their targets and sometimes not. No one, least of all those actually hit with the arrows, seemed to really care.

Also, at least twelve different couples were leaned against walls or sprawled on the cobblestone street, passionately kissing. The horse-like creatures, which were all pulling wooden wagons full of scented rose petals, were forced to skirt round those lying carelessly in the street.

Donna incredulously took all this in, eyes slowly becoming wider as several of the couple's kissing became more and more intense. She tore her eyes away, turning halfway round as the Doctor stepped cautiously out of the TARDIS and closed the door behind him. "Doctor…what _is_ this place?" she said.

The Doctor peered at the startling scenery round them, nodding. "Oh, this is _definitely_ Gelenium," he said wisely. "Brilliant. Also known as the planet of love, for reasons that are probably pretty obvious. Even to _you_, Donna." He gestured at the spectacular colors splashed across the city.

"Oi," she snapped irritably, planting both hands firmly on her hips. "And I don't know about brilliant. This place looks completely mad to me." She couldn't help staring as another horse and wagon went past, this time with a couple snogging atop the pile of rose petals. Most of their clothes were missing.

The Doctor looked highly offended. "Well, it would to a _human_. But to the Geleniums, this place is pure paradise. Their society is made up of a very liberated culture, and their technology is actually very advanced for a planet based solely upon love and pleasure. And from our surroundings, I'd gather that this is somewhere around the year...4257," he decided.

Her eyes widened with amazement. "4257? _4257_? I'm in the year _4257_?"

The Doctor cut her off before she could empathize saying the year three or four hundred more times. "Yes, that's right. And as I was saying, I just think this planet is absolutely _brilliant_. I haven't actually been here before myself, but I can already tell we aren't going to blend in very well. And there aren't many tourists who choose to hang out round here." He pointed out one of the locals hurrying past. She had pink skin, flowing black hair, and a pair of strange red eyes that were shaped like hearts. Also, she was completely naked.

Donna quickly folded her arms over her chest. "Well, I'm keeping my clothes _on_, so don't be getting any ideas, Spaceman," she said.

The Doctor seemed embarrassed, averting his eyes from her. "Er…yes, of course. I didn't mean the lack of clothing, I just meant our _appearances_. And blimey, keep your mind out of the gutter, Donna. Wouldn't want me to think you _fancied_ me, would you?"

Donna, instead of confessing her true and undying love for him, awarded the Doctor with a smack on the arm that was just a bit too hard. "I'll show you _fancy_, you daft sod," she snarled dangerously.

The Doctor looked suitably worried, staring warily at her while rubbing his injured arm. "Anyyyyway, off we go. Geleniums make the best souvenirs, just in case any tourists happen to drop in every few hundred years. But whatever you do, don't take any food they offer you, got that?" The Doctor stepped away from the TARDIS, the falling confetti standing out well against his dark hair. He stuffed both hands in his pockets and briskly began walking, Donna hurrying to catch up with him.

"I don't blame the tourists for not coming here," she said, stepping round a snogging couple in the middle of the street. "It's so…_alien_." She wrinkled her nose.

"Most alien planets tend to be," the Doctor said mildly. "Besides, they have good reason to stay away. I've heard that most tourists that pop in for a little visit end up married, with no way of divorce except death."

Donna wasn't really sure whether he was teasing her or not. "Yeah, whatever. So, what's with all this confetti?" She changed the subject, brushing at the silver and gold circles and hearts that covered her clothing and hair.

The Doctor ran one hand through his hair, shaking off some of the decorative shapes. "It's not confetti. Locals call it the Offering of Love, because they think it's a gift from the gods of love that govern their planet. In reality, it's basically the rain of Gelenium, nourishing the soil and crops. And if consumed, which it is, hence why I told you not to eat or drink anything, causes extreme bouts of fantasy and lust."

"Oh. So you mean that this stuff is what causes the, um…"

"Geleniums," the Doctor offered helpfully.

"Right. So it causes them to be like this, all lovey-dovey and snoggy?" she guessed.

"That's not exactly the technical term for it, but yeah," the Doctor replied, looking amused at her choice of words. "That's probably the cause."

"So what exactly are we looking for, Doctor?" she wanted to know, trying to ignore the fact that most of the locals were staring at her as she walked past. The ones that weren't making out with each other, that is.

"Oh, this and that. But I was mainly trying to find a shop that sells peace charms. They radiate an aura of peace and tranquility round anyone who wears them, and basically stop people from wanting to attack you. Thought I could use a few dozen of them."

Donna rolled her eyes. "You could use a few of those, yeah," she agreed. Then her attention was captured by a stationary wagon, out of which was being sold flowing pink cloaks made of flimsy, transparent material. "Doctor. I was thinking that we should maybe get a couple of those cloak things to, you know, blend in a little. I've noticed that we're kind of being stared at a bit."

The Doctor glanced around, like he hadn't even noticed. "Oh. If that's what you want. But pink isn't really my color." He meandered over to the wagon, pulling out his psychic paper. "Hello, there," he said to the cheerfully beaming Gelenium who appeared to own the collection of bright cloaks. "I'm the Doctor and this is Donna. I'm the…well, I'm the new cloak inspector, and I need to have two of these cloaks for immediate analysis," he declared importantly, flashing the official-looking leather wallet before slipping it back into his coat pocket.

The pink-skinned alien blinked twice, smile somehow growing even wider as she gazed at the two of them. Donna thought that she looked decidedly ominous, though the Doctor didn't really look worried. "Peace and love to you, you're offworlders, yes?" she asked in a bright voice.

"Um…peace and love right back at you," Donna said uncertainly, before the Doctor could reply. "And yeah, we're…offworlders."

"Peace and love to you, my name is Harp Linn. Peace and love to you, you make the perfect couple. Peace and love to you, have you tried the Heart's Finest Chapel, our pride and joy for marriage?"

Donna blinked, bewildered, at the so-called Harp Linn. "What's with all the peace and love stuff?" she muttered to the Doctor in an undertone.

"It's considered impolite in the Gelenium culture not to start every sentence with those words," the Doctor whispered back, lips curving up into that smug look he sometimes got when showing her something particularly strange.

Donna nodded slowly, pulling a face. "Uh…right." She turned back to Harp Linn. "And we're not a couple, okay? So there's no need to sprout the spiel about chapels to us, lady," she said forcefully. Why did everyone, wherever they went, always call them a _couple_? It was really starting to irritate her.

"Peace and love to you, how could you _not_ be a couple? Peace and love to you, you two look so _lovely_ together," was Harp Linn's happy remark. She didn't seem at all put-off by Donna's attitude.

"Okay, we'll take the cloaks now. Cheers," Donna said irritably, snatching a pair of cloaks at random and turning away from the wagon. She heard the Doctor hurriedly telling Harp Linn thanks, then he jogged to catch up with her. She passed him a cloak, then settled the other round her own shoulders. There was a small heart-shaped pin at her throat, which fastened the cloak together. It artfully covered her body, and when she pulled up the floaty hood, she perfectly resembled a normal native to the planet.

"You aren't _really_ going to make me wear this, are you?" the Doctor said in a sulky voice.

Donna turned to look at him, pushing her hood back a bit to allow her to see, and burst out laughing. The Doctor was certainly right: pink really wasn't his color. He had dutifully put on the pink cloak, buttoning it up, though his hood was still down. And he looked utterly ridiculous, especially with his scuffed trainers poking out from under the hem.

"It's not funny," the Doctor muttered, abruptly jerking his hood up.

"Oh, but it is," Donna said, choking as she tried to stop laughing. "It's _hilarious_!"

The Doctor, instead of answering, suddenly jerked. His dark eyes widened beneath the shadow of his hood, as Donna turned questioningly to look at him. Then he toppled over and fell face first onto the cobblestone street, a red arrow sticking straight out of his back.

Donna gasped with disbelief, gawking at the feathers on its end as they fluttered in the breeze. She caught a flash of movement from the corner of her gaze, and turned to see Harp Linn happily waving a red gun that she had apparently shot the arrow out of. The temp from Chiswick gritted her teeth together, briefly imagining the pleasure of throttling the daft alien, but decided to stay with the Doctor. Praying he wasn't dead, she shoved back her hood and dropped to her knees beside him.

"Spaceman? Are you okay? Spaceman?" She frantically shook his shoulder, swallowing her fear. If he was dead, how would she get back home? Sure, he'd been showing her how to steer the TARDIS, but they hadn't exactly reached the part on how to operate it. And Donna _didn't_ want to spend the rest of her life surrounded by alien nutters.

"Peace and love!" The Doctor suddenly sprang into a sitting position, hood falling back to reveal wild eyes. Donna shrieked and fell backwards at his unexpected revival, gaping at the arrow still protruding from his back. Seeing the direction of her stare, the Doctor casually plucked the arrow from his back and tossed it away. Then he turned and leaned very close to her, looming up in her vision.

Before Donna could react, he threw himself at her and pressed his lips to hers. He also threw his arms round her neck and hugged her close, blissfully closing his eyes.

Donna, her own eyes wide open and full of rage, violently shoved him away and leapt to her feet. The Doctor landed on his back in the light pink dust, an expression of surprise on his face. "How _dare_ you?" Donna shrieked, angrily straightening her cloak. "I bloody well told you before, I'm _not_ mating with you, sunshine!"

The Doctor blinked stupidly up at her, a goofy smile lighting up his boyish features. "Donna Noble. _Oh_, Donna Noble. You're brilliant, you are. Absolutely brilliant. _Fantastic_, even. Will you marry me?"

Donna gasped loudly, angrier than she'd been in quite some time. "I don't know what bloody game you're playing here, Doctor, but I'm warning you–"

"Rose was pretty, Martha was nice, but no one can beat _you_, Donna Noble. You're so _beautiful_," the Doctor sighed dreamily. "I love you with all my hearts. _Marry_ me!"

"Oh. My. God. What the hell is _wrong_ with you?" Donna demanded, crossing her arms. "You've gone barmy, Doctor. Absolutely _barmy_."

The Doctor's brow wrinkled, and he highly resembled a golden retriever who had misplaced his ball. "But I love you, Donna. I'll even compose you a song, see?" He cleared his throat, then began singing off-key at the top of his lungs, with what sounded like a drunken tune of _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_. "Donna, Donna, Donna Noble. You are brilliant, just so wonderfully brilliant. You are the love of my lives–"

Donna, swearing under her breath, grabbed him by the arm and hauled him roughly to his feet. He eagerly made to kiss her again, but she pushed him away. He staggered, and she grabbed him again by the arm to keep him from falling. "That arrow. It must have done something to you," Donna deduced. "All I know is that you've gone mad."

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Donna," the Doctor said, grinning weakly. "Will you marry me and have my children?"

Donna's mouth dropped open, and she for a brief moment considered pushing him back over and leaving him to rot in the dirt. But she decided not to, since none of what he was on about could possibly be true. The arrow that the daft Harp Linn had shot him with had to have changed him in some way, like an arrow from the bow of Cupid himself. All she had to do was figure out how to change him back.

…Somehow.

"Come on, you." Donna, still firmly gripping the Doctor's arm, tugged him after her as she marched back to the wagon full of cloaks. He stumbled along unprotestingly behind her, mumbling strangely under his breath.

Harp Linn looked much too happy to see them again, making no comment about the drunken look on the Doctor's face. Instead, she just cheerfully waved the red gun she had presumably fired the arrow with. "Peace and love to you, are you happy now that your _friend_ finally cares for you?" she cooed politely, eyeing a male Gelenium who had paused a few feet away from the wagon.

"He cared for me earlier, mate! Now he's bloody _insane_!" Donna exclaimed, giving the alien her best glare.

"Peace and love to you, but now he cares for you as a lover. Peace and love to you, is that not better?" Harp Linn shook her hips, still gazing steamily at the observing male.

Donna felt like stomping her foot, but managed to restrain herself. "_No_!" she bellowed. "Change 'im _back_!"

"I will love you forever, Donna, until the stars go out," the Doctor declared dramatically, though the object of his 'affections' pointedly ignored him.

"Peace and love to you, just a moment, if you will," Harp Linn said pleasantly, as the pink-skinned male wandered over to them. She wrapped her arms around his neck and then proceeded to kiss him passionately.

"Oi! _You_!" Donna shouted, letting go of the Doctor. He was now creating very bad poetry on the spot, and was unprepared to be released from her iron grip. He ended up falling over into the pink dust, and stayed flat on his back, still sprouting poetry that didn't exactly rhyme.

"Peace and love to you, what do you think you're _doing_?" Harp Linn demanded with something fairly close to rage as Donna brusquely pulled her away from her over-affectionate Romeo.

"This isn't the time for a _snog_, lady. I need to change the Doctor back into himself so we can get the hell off this pink rock!" Donna nearly yelled, feeling as though she were close to her breaking point. She wanted to grab Harp Linn by the shirt and shake her, but was afraid that the flimsy material would slip right off if she did so.

Harp Linn's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Peace and love to you, what in the Moon Goddess's name is your trouble? Peace and love to you, do you not wish to take this handsome offworlder somewhere and have–"

Donna slapped one hand to her forehead. "Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening. Only with you, Spaceman," she directed down at the absent Time Lord. "Though I guess this is better than Hath or pieces of fat. But not by much."

"Peace and love to you, so you do not wish to ring the bells of harmony and unite with this man?" Harp Linn asked with confusion, as her admirer began delicately kissing her neck.

"_God,_ no. Now tell me how to change him back." Donna looked with disgust at the Doctor, who was smiling dreamily and muttering to no one in particular.

Harp Linn looked bemused. "Peace and love to you, but there is no way to 'change him back'."

Donna's eyes became owlishly wide. "You mean…he can't…you did this…it's _permanent_?"

"Peace and love to you, of _course_ it is. Peace and love to you, why would anyone wish it to be different?" Harp Linn smiled happily, brushing some of the confetti-rain from her hair.

Donna rubbed her temples, fighting the headache that was starting to throb. All the 'peace and love' was really starting to get to her. And why couldn't someone turn off all that horrible _music_? "There's got to be _some_ way to fix him. Think, Harp Linn, _think_!" She was beginning to feel very desperate about the dire situation. "What if you, I don't know, accidentally had your own dad fall in love with you? You'd have to do something about it, right?"

"Peace and love to you, naturally, I would return his affections with open arms," Harp Linn said brazenly.

"Donna, _shower_ me with your love!" the Doctor wailed brokenly from the ground.

Donna wanted to hit her head on something a few times and maybe get some answers that way, but didn't. "There has to be an, I don't know, _antidote_ or something," she said urgently.

Harp Linn slowly shook her head, looking happy. "Peace and love to you, I suppose there is only one so-called 'cure'. Peace and love to you, it would never work with my species, because we are all willing. Peace and love to you, but I've heard somewhere that those in your situation have done it to break the spell of love." She paused momentarily, to snog her admirer, who was more than happy to oblige.

"_Tell_ me!" Donna cried. She really wanted to get out of there before the clothes started coming off.

"Hmmm?" Harp Linn sounded dazed, then cleared her throat. "Peace and love to you, yes, that's right. Peace and love to you, I was telling you about the 'cure'. Peace and love to you, you must kiss your friend. Peace and love to you, and you must kiss him willingly. Peace and love to you, then the spell will be broken once more."

"Your hair is like a forest of fire/Your temper is highly admirable/You rather remind me of a Greshire elf," the Doctor said brightly.

Donna paused to arch a brow at him. "Someone needs to teach you the skills of rhyming, Spaceman." She turned back to Harp Linn, frowning. "And you've _got_ to be kidding me. I have to _kiss_ him? Willingly?"

"Peace and love to you, it is the only way," Harp Linn said calmly. "Peace and love to you, I have heard that few had managed to succeed." She then fell onto the ground, dragging her admirer with her for a very passionate snog.

Donna stared down at the daftly beaming Doctor for a few seconds, then took a deep breath. Grabbing him by the folds of his outrageous-looking cloak, she heaved him to his feet, for once grateful that he was such a skinny rake, and didn't weigh too much. He staggered, looking perplexed. Mentally telling herself that it would be worth it, she suddenly pulled him forward and planted a kiss right on his unprotesting lips, wrapping one arm round his waist.

The Doctor went limp almost instantly, and she knew the exact moment when he was himself again. His whole body became tense, and he hurriedly put his hands out and shoved her away. She stumbled, nearly falling, then glared at him.

His hair stuck up even more than normal under all the sparkling confetti-rain, and pink dust layered his cloak. He was visably breathing hard, and his eyes were very wide. "Donna, what did we…why were you…what's…oh, _don't_ tell me you drank some wine or something!" he stammered.

Donna wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, briskly straightening her shirt with both hands. "No, you _dumbo_. You got bloody shot in the back with an arrow, _that's_ what happened!" She tore off her cloak and carelessly let it drift to the ground.

"_Did_ I?" The Doctor hurriedly felt his back with one hand, checking to make sure that the said arrow hadn't torn his prized coat, then taking off his own cloak and placing it back on the wagon. Not that Harp Linn really noticed. "Strange."

"Strange? _Strange_? That's all you have to say about it, _strange_?" Donna hollered disbelievingly.

The Doctor hurriedly backpedaled. "Er…I just meant, that doesn't exactly happen to me every day. Well, I _say_ it doesn't…anyway, the point is…I'm sorry, Donna. I didn't mean anything I might have said or done," he said sincerely, bowing his head sheepishly. "I've heard the love potions in those arrows are unbelievably strong."

"You can say _that_ again," Donna said sourly. "Now, can we get the hell out of here? I've lost my fondness for the color pink, believe me." She angrily brushed more of the irritating confetti-rain from her sleeve.

"Sure, right. The peace charms can wait for another day, I think," he said cheerfully, offering her his arm in a gentlemanly fashion.

Donna shook her head, crossing her arms. "No thanks, Spaceman. I've seen enough of you to last me a lifetime. Now, back to the TARDIS," she commanded.

The Doctor grinned, stuffing both hands in his pockets. "Right, then. And no more setting the controls on random, yeah?"

Donna was already thinking about their next destination as they started walking. "We need to go somewhere on Earth, somewhere _not_ alien," she decided for the both of them. "Somewhere without the color pink in sight."

"Sounds good to me," the Doctor agreed. "I'll think of something when we get to the TARDIS. Maybe we should stop by and visit someone famous for tea. Haven't really done that yet, have we?"

"Who, Brad Pitt?" Donna asked eagerly. "I've always wanted to meet him, I have."

The Doctor raised his eyebrows. "I was thinking more along the lines of Ben Franklin, Agatha Christie."

Donna shrugged, feigning indifference. "That'll do, I guess."

The Doctor grinned, just as they reached the TARDIS. He fumbled in his pocket for the key, then pushed it into the scratched lock. "All right, Donna Noble. Off we go. Allons-y!"

**

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Happy Valentine's Day, and don't forget to review! :D


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